


help, i'm alive

by caesar



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Former Eruri, Hopeful Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Mentions of Past Yumikuri, Multi, Spoilers for Anime Only Fans, kind of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-01
Updated: 2019-02-01
Packaged: 2019-10-20 12:56:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,184
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17622773
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/caesar/pseuds/caesar
Summary: **SPOILERS for those who only watch the anime!After the battle of Shigansina, Levi is the one to give the eulogy for the fallen. Historia sees through his facade and comforts him when no one else knows how.





	help, i'm alive

**Author's Note:**

  * For [SilentNightingale22](https://archiveofourown.org/users/SilentNightingale22/gifts), [ReluctantHero](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ReluctantHero/gifts).



> Levi is asked to give the eulogy for Erwin at the funeral following the events of Shigansina. He does so, despite how much he doesn't want to. Historia sees that he's holding back, and comforts him when no one else will call him out for his facade.

Levi thought he was used to funerals at this point.

 

Erwin would give a eulogy for the fallen soldiers, say appropriate words that were never the same despite how many of these damn things they went to, and afterwards he’d return to his office to immediately continue work. He always said that the best way to honor those lost were to keep working toward the freedom they died striving for.

 

And yet, he’s not here to say all the right things this time.

 

Standing in front of the Survey Corps, the highest ranking officers of the other military branches, and Historia, he just feels wrong.

 

Erwin should be here.

 

Levi swallows his emotions down, steeling himself for this moment as everyone waits for him to talk about Erwin.

 

“Erwin Smith is the greatest man I’ll ever know,” Levi begins, trying to think of what Erwin would say in his place.“He gave his life to humanity, always giving more than he has to offer so that we can find truth outside the Walls. He understood more than anyone what sacrifice meant. ” He tries to think, tries to find the right words—and they just don’t sound right on Levi’s tongue. His gaze falls on Eren in one of the first few rows, and those bright eyes are glossy with restrained tears. A quick thought passes through his mind—this is the first formal military service Eren has attended. He wonders how many more he'll go to after this. “Erwin always knew the best things to say at these things. He had words for every soldier we buried and every soldier we couldn’t bring home.”

 

He thinks back to his first time meeting Erwin—the first time he saw him in the Underground, he had that maniacal, calculating grin on his face. He was twenty steps ahead of Levi, even back then. “It’s not exactly a secret that I became a Scout because of Erwin. I thought I hated him for it, but I quickly learned that if I were to follow any man into death, it would be him. He was more than my Commander, more than my superior—he was a friend that would die for me, and I for him.”

 

This feels wrong.

 

He looks at Armin, between Eren and Mikasa, and he looks so _guilty_ that it makes the knot in Levi's stomach tight enough to make him want to vomit. He doesn’t show it.

 

When he catches Hanji’s gaze, he’s startled to see them crying.

 

He thinks of Mike.

 

Of Moblit.

 

Farlan and Isabel.

 

Even if Erwin never showed it, he always thought of those that left him, too.

 

“Before we went to Shigansina, he…” Levi trails off, the words heavy on his tongue as he fights off the emotions rising in his chest, “Erwin asked me if I saw our fallen comrades. I did. I saw all of them.” He looks at those in the crowd, settling on Historia. Her eyes are sharp, and he feels like she can see right through him. He lets out a sigh, his years of exhaustion showing for a brief moment. “Before each expedition, before each battle…now I’ll see Erwin among those other brave soldiers, too.”

 

He returns to his seat silently, his mouth dry and he clenches his jaw to bury his grief.

 

It stays hidden beneath the surface as they bury Erwin. As different officials and soldiers come up to Levi, giving their condolences through words or with a touch to his arm, his shoulder.

 

He doesn’t hear any of it.

 

He stares at Erwin’s name on the tombstone, reality a fog around him.

 

 _It’s always fog_ , he thinks. Whether it's in the Underground, in the fields among titans and bleeding soldiers, or in his head, there's always fog with death.

 

“Captain,” a soft voice behind him says. He doesn’t acknowledge them, his gaze unfocused. They dismiss someone else quietly but he doesn’t listen to the words. The voice comes up beside him, touching his arm gently. “Levi.”

 

He’s pulled out of his daze and he looks at Historia, in a simple black dress with her Survey Corps jacket over her shoulders. “Historia.” His greeting is neutral, forced.

 

She smiles weakly, dropping her hand to her side. “It’s okay to cry, you know.”

 

His heart pounds, his pulse loud in his ears. “What?”

 

“Everyone else might see this strong facade you have, Levi, but you’re hurting,” Historia tells him in a kind, understanding voice. “It’s okay to cry. It’s okay to _feel_ , even if it’s just for a day.” Levi looks at her, _really_ looks at her, and he can see the slump in her shoulders and the shadows under her eyes. She looks at Erwin’s name on the headstone and continues speaking in that tone that is so honest, it hurts. “The Commander was important to you. I lost someone important to me, too. I know it’s selfish to think of Ymir among all of those who died, but I can’t help it. But you’re better off—you can come here to visit him.”

 

Levi expected her to tell him she’s sorry, that Erwin is at peace, or perhaps that she’s here for him. He doesn’t expect her to shatter his guard and see the bubbling emotions he’s kept hidden all day.

 

If this were any other scenario, he’d tell her to fuck off, but he just stares dumbly at her as she talks, her voice shaking as tears brim and fall down her cheeks. “You will always have somewhere to come visit Erwin. To talk to him. To just be _here_ with him.” She inhales deeply as if it will hold her together as she turns to look again at him. “It’s okay to cry for him because he was a man worth your tears—worth _all_ of our tears.”

 

Levi isn’t quite sure when the first tear crawled down his cheek, or the second, but suddenly he’s overwhelmed with all of his grief and emotions building in his chest. Reality hits him like a punch to his gut, and something unravels from within him.

 

_Erwin is gone._

 

Levi takes a deep breath, and instead of steadying himself like he planned, a sob leaves him. He leans forward to rest his head on Historia’s shoulder, unable to hold back as the tears flow. He wraps his arm around her under her jacket, and he weakly makes fists of the fabric of her dress, clinging to her while he cries. She pulls him close, silently shedding her tears. The last time he cried was for Isabel and Farlan, after which, he followed Erwin home to the Walls.

 

Unsure of who to follow now, Levi just holds onto Historia like a lifeline. The gentle way her fingers touch the back of his neck and his shoulders remind him of his mother’s featherlight touches, and he hides in the warmth of her arms a little while longer. She doesn’t move, holding him as long as he cries; she needs him right now, too.

 

In the silence of the graveyard, they mourn.

**Author's Note:**

> i'm not crying, you're crying
> 
> (but seriously. i may be crying)
> 
> much love


End file.
